Are you kind or are you nice?

“Why are you kind?”

Someone once asked me this question. It took me by surprise – especially because I realized, on the spot, that I didn’t have an answer to this question. I had never considered asking myself that, ever.

I became defensive very quickly as I struggled to come up with a satisfactory reason as to why I was ‘kind’. I remember saying something along the lines of, “… Because it is the right way to be.” He obviously did not appear satisfied by this response. I, myself, was not satisfied by the response.

Different groups of people associate kindness or the act of being kind as emanating for different reasons:

1. One group says that people show acts of kindness simply because it makes them feel good about themselves. If this reasoning is accurate, then the act of kindness essentially becomes oxymoronic since it then means that selfishness is the reason for people’s kindness. In other words, people show acts of kindness to cater to their inner feeling of self-satisfaction.
2. Another group says that people show acts of kindness because they feel compelled to abide by norms, traditions, rules or guides set up by religion, culture, etc. If this reasoning is accurate, then the act of kindness becomes hypocritical since people would be showing acts of kindness just to be considered proper by other people or beings who might be watching them.
3. A third group says that the desire to be kind comes from a deep psychological wiring in the nature of people. An inward desire to alleviate the sufferings of others. If this reasoning is accurate, then we all have different proportions of that wiring and some of us are more wired to be kind while others are less.

Of all 3 possible schools of thought, I feel I align more with the third. I feel it is more reproducible and more clearly accounts for all the different types of people that exist in the world – with all the different levels of kindness they express – more on this, later, hopefully.

I feel part of the reason the first 2 schools of thought might be considered is likely because most people interchange being ‘kind‘ for being ‘nice‘. While there is some similarity between both, they are actually very different. One definition for ‘kind‘ that I would be using as a reference for the rest of this topic is the ‘Advanced English Dictionary’ definition. The first definition for the adjective, ‘kind‘, by this dictionary is: having or showing a tender and considerate and helpful nature. In a similar fashion, the first definition for the adjective, ‘nice‘, is: pleasant or pleasing or agreeable in nature or appearance.

From these definitions, it becomes somewhat apparent that while ‘kindness‘ might be something that comes from the depths of one’s being, ‘niceness‘ is somewhat more outward – and dare I say, not entirely genuine.

According to huffpost, kind people give service to others because it is just an augmented aspect of their nature. It is who they are from deep within. They offer this service to others whether or not it is appreciated. In a similar manner, they tend to not be opposed to limiting their display of kindness according to certain situational constraints – because at the root of it all, they do not mind people being upset or dissatisfied with them. In very sharp contrast, however, nice people exhibit nice acts in a bid to placate others. They are unable to bear the thought of others being upset with them, and as a result they would be more willing to do things that make them appear wonderful outwardly, while they grumble or are bitter, within.

Based on this and many more works of research, it appears that kindness tends to be associated with one’s confidence, self-esteem, etc., while niceness tends to be associated with one’s feeling of inadequacy or their longing for approval and/or validation.

Don’t get me wrong, though. This does not mean that being nice (while not being kind) is completely bad – it definitely still beats being openly rude or wicked (depending on the argument POV). Niceness, whilst being pretentious, can still be very rewarding in our society. I also don’t feel this might be the case of the chicken or the egg. People can present as kind and present as nice in different circumstances – to their uniquely psychologically-imposed degrees – more on this, later, hopefully.

Another thought to definitely ponder on, still from the 3rd school of thought, would be, “If Kindness depends on our psychological wiring, then are those who are wired to be less-kind to be judged for this? – since it seems it might be reasonably out of their control, especially” or “Since kindness emanates from a deep psychological wiring, what might be the role of things such as age, health, illness, pain, influence of a substance or medication, mental health, life experiences, etc. on our kindness wiring?“

With all this, I guess the right answer to the question I was asked might have been, “I am so because it is who I am.”

What are your thoughts? Are you kind? Are you nice? Are you both?